How does the first X-Men Origins film hold up?

I almost did not make it past the first five minutes of this movie.  I could have sworn none of the actors rehearsed for the first scene of the film.  But I hung in there and proceeded on to the war-montage opening credits were we see Wolverine and Sabertooth…erm…I mean Victor Creed fighting in history’s most notable wars.  And I have to say for a scene depicting four or five different wars the action was quite underwhelming.  So, by this point in the film I was one inch away from being in a coma, and I did not even make it past the opening credits yet.

So, the film starts and none of my friends warned me that Ryan Reynolds was in the movie, and I got a nice blind sight hit in the ear hole when that douche opened his mouth.  Apparently he was playing Dead Pool in the movie, or some guy with the name Dead Pool who is not actually the same Dead Pool that everyone else knows.   Anyhoot, Wolverine pretty much acts like a vagina the whole film as he cries and bitches about everything and about Saberto…wait, I mean Victor Creed.  I remember the cartoon Wolverine being more of a baddass, and he couldn’t even use his claws, so what the hell is Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine’s problem.  Yeah, every once in the while he screams and flexes his muscles, but come on, Mike Tyson can do that too.

The other characters were not much better either.  There was this one dumbass who was good at shooting, and obviously he liked to see how complicated he could be about reloading his guns.  Why couldn’t one of the other mutants say to him, “Hey dumbass, stop throwing your pistols in the air to reload.  You look like an idiot more than you do cool.  In fact, I don’t even see how reloading your guns like that is even efficient.”  Later on Gambit shows up…and yeah…he just pretty much shows up.  Him and Wolverine square off in an alleyway, and in my head I was saying…man, this looks like a scene straight out of Mortal Kombat, and less like a movie about X-Men characters.

A few more uninteresting characters and boring action scenes later we come to the last fight scene of the movie. 

SPOILER WARNING HIGHLIGHT TO READ.  As Wolverine is trying to escape from a complex, he is all of a sudden stopped short from Baraka from Mortal Kombat.  Now I was thinking about why Baraka would be in an X-Men movie, and I couldn’t figure out why they were calling him Dead Pool…I guess it was just an editor’s slip-up.  Then I figured it out, the DC Universe was just in a game with Mortal Kombat characters, so I guess Marval was trying to one-up DC, so they put Baraka in their movie.  Genius.  Wolverine and Saber Creed, I mean, Victor Tooth…no hold on…Victor Creed team up to fight Barakain in yet another scene that felt more like a Mortal Kombat scene than it did an X-Men movie.  Baraka was doing a lot of things I didn’t know he could do like teleport and shoot lasers out of his eyes, but then again I was never that good at Mortal Kombat, so I couldn’t do a lot of the characters’ moves.  Wolverine inflicts a fatality on Baraka, and Wolverine says he can never be friends with Victor Creed for some obscured, dumbass reason.  Even though Wolverine finds out that Victor didn’t kill his girlfriend, and they both realize they were manipulated by the same man, I mean it seems plausible that they could just reconcile with each other since there really isn’t a big problem for either one of them to dwell over, but no…the laws of the Marvel Universe say that they must be enemies and this movie doesn’t care how stupidly they abide by those laws.  The writers just had to make sure that Wolverine says something like, “Hey we can’t be friends” and the filmmakers thought that this was good enough.  Stupid.  /SPOILERS.

There is one thing that sticks in my mind.  There is a huge inconsistency with the Sabertooth character between this film and the first X-Men film.  Somewhere along the line Victor Creed must forget how to think for himself and speak by the time he plays lackey for Magneto in the first film.  And maybe I missed it, but was Victor ever referred to as Sabertooth in the Wolverine movie?  Was this the filmmakers’ hope that people wouldn’t be able to put the puzzle together that Victor Creed and Sabertooth were the same person?  Was this their way of bridging that inconsistency?  I sure hope not.  Creed’s power of growing his fingernails long reminded me of the Family Guy episode when Meg had the special power to grow her finger nails.  And everybody thought Meg’s power was lame…and guess what…it is a lame power.

If you like coma inducing action scenes, underdeveloped characters, a dull storyline, and Baraka from Mortal Kombat then this is the movie for you.  In fact, I think force feeding sharp objects up my asshole would be more exciting then this film because then I would get to ride in an ambulance…yay!  Even the special effects in this movie look like shit, especially Wolverine’s claws.  Did the effects people forget to do his claws and then slapped them together in three hours?  How can you fuck up claws?  Ugh, don’t waste your time with this puke.  Instead just go break a wooden broom in half and sit on it and you will receive the same experience.  You might have to pick splinters out of you rectum, but I would rather be doing that then writing this review about this crap film.  And this was my review about X-Mortal Men Kombat Origins: Wolvarakavine.

ABSOLUTE VERDICT

It Sucks.